Wednesday, 5 August 2009


Easter. Back-to-back bank holidays ahoy. A time when people are likely to inquire about your plans for the weekend.

Vincent: John Boy!

Some people actually call me that.

Me: ...

Eye contact and assuming a bearing of mild welcome is sufficient here.

Vincent: What are you up to this weekend?

Me: Chilling at home.

Vincent: Let me hook you up!

It's home time and I have ways of murdering the conversation where it stands but this is Vincent. African, boistrous and amusing. Hearing what he has to say should be entertaining.

Me: Hook me up?

I'm aware it's his intent to throw an 'easy' female my way. In my world there's no crime in being easy, whether you're a boy or a girl, some practical dangers perhaps, but no moral impediment. Sadly, my nature prevents me from indulging. Either a female intends to be promiscuous or she's hoodwinked into it. I only use my powers of deception for good, so that puts the hoodwinked out of my reach. As for the wilfully promiscuous, they tend to be of a personality that I don't find appealing. I'm unable to invest the amount of time required to get the goods. I'm either bored or irritated, not the best mental mindset for the game. It's probably a primal defence mechanism: "Listen here, old boy. It's simply not in our best interests to mix genes here". Too bad, easy street looks like fun.

Vincent: A nice, blonde girl. She will give you the flavours.

With Vince you're always walking the borderlands of miscommunication. I'm not certain what he means.

Me: I thought you were wifed up?

Non sequitor. There are perfectly innocent reasons for him to know other women, promiscuous or not but it's Vincent and I know him too well.

Vincent: C'mon, John Boy! Bill Clinton plays the game and he was president. Who am I?

Unassailable reasoning, indeed. Please, sir. Proceed.

Me: lol

Vincent: I'll drop you the number, just show her the logo. Give her the headline.

Sometimes you cross the border.

Me: ...

A knowing smile, he's built up a head of steam and doesn't need any more encouragement.

Vincent: Just tell her you got her number through a friend. Any name. James...

He's groping for a better name.

Vincent: or Rodney.

Classic. That made my day.

Vincent: If she thinks it's a sneaky way to get her number, let her know you had to be sneaky because you wanted to know her so bad. Let her feel the waves.

The waves? Your guess is as good as mine.

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